Monday, 5 March 2012

Dear Men

I would like to take a few minutes to address the men of the world. This is because I have noticed recently, and it does seem to be the portion of living males within myself and my friends' dating age range, that you seem to think it is OK to behave like utter vermin.

Maybe the world has lost a general sense of decency. Maybe your fathers were philandering anti-role models, giving you an odd compulsion to attract a mate but then quickly sabotage the situation with the gusto of a toddler making a sandcastle. Maybe your beloved pet recently died, sending you into a spiralling mentality preoccupied with darkness, futility and apathy. But I am calling time on the 'men are shits' parade - right now.

I didn't always feel like this towards you. I used to love meeting new men, finding out about them, all of their little quirks, playing the game. Now, it seems, one or two solid relationships into our twenties, we are not potential conversation and meal-sharing partners but faceless targets for astonishing levels of sleaze and timewasting.

I could blame your ex-girlfriends for no doubt 'messing you up', leading you to believe relationships were simple and long lasting and then running off with some tattooed lothario from the local indie bar. But at some point, a man in his twenties has to stand straight, look himself in the mirror and take responsibility for whatever kind of knobbery he is inflicting on unsuspecting womankind.

I never used to understand why women I knew stayed with the wrong man for years, or kept going back to someone who was never going to set their world alight (romantically rather than pyromaniacally speaking). Now I know. Because when they stepped, emotionally barefoot, into that big single world of dates and tentative texts, they were rewarded with nothing but bullshit.

I will never again admonish a friend for hotfooting it back to a shabby ex (or contemplating it) because it's seriously tough out there. There seems to be a trend for appearing completely normal and then knocking you for six with sudden, unspeakable wankery.

Boys - if it's genuine ignorance and you would like a legal document entitled Things That Are Not OK, please do just let me know. How we get from this stage of dating life freakshow to the one in the misty future where people are cohabiting and procreating all over the shop is beyond me.

I don't want this to be representative of the Miss Write experience since I hopped on a train to Cardiff, acquired all kinds of journalism savvy and snapped up a fabulous job and a cute little flat in the big city. It's been ace. But my goodness, do boys know how to erase all of that good feeling with blunder after blunder.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Write (and females everywhere)



  1. Good points. Hmm. Would it not be fair to suggest that a disproportionately large amount of men on the dating scene are on it by virtue of the fact they're not actually very good at dating/commitment/consideration/niceness/etc but still want something on the emotional-physical spectrum from a woman? (The second part obviously includes most men.) I'm not trying to defend any of these proper gits. I reckon, for reasons such as this, that going into the dating world is likely to yield far more misses than hits and could so easily lead to varying levels of abhorrence to the whole thing/gender. I guess what the world needs is some sort of elite dating system where people are vetted first ... But anyway, I'm sure you'll find Mr Write, if you can stand to keep filtering Mr Wrongs out of the pot. Think of it as tossing a weighted coin. Or Deal Or No Deal. But without Noel.

  2. It's lovely writing, and beautifully expresses what we'd all like to say on occasions, but I think that the problem is much more dramatically twofold than we acknowledge. I don't think many people, male or female, really understand how to ...conduct themselves or a relationship. I'm steering away from saying "these days" because no doubt it would always have been confusing, however, there might previously have been less choice in modes of conduct and therefore more obviously "correct" patterns to adopt. Whilst accepting different ways of being is right and proper: gay, straight, serious, fun, settling, living out, married, partnered, metro, new-man, ladette, not settling for less than you deserve, finding out what you want, career/family orientation etc it does create a lot more combinations of appropriate and innappropriate behaviours depending on who you've met and how much of this they're prepared to communicate with you. Choice (of a massive range of ages, colours, sexes, classes and life stages) has never, and there have been studies on this, amounted to happiness.

  3. I totally agree with the above sentiments when it comes to both parties not communicating well, immaturity, missed moments etc. But I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about downright, outright, shameless behaviour. And the more I hear these stories, the less sure I am that the girls are doing anything wrong. As we get older we get a healthy amount of caution and cynicism, and even armed with this there's a 'surprise! I'm a total douchebag!' factor that seems to be new and unwelcome. I don't think it's just probability; it feels more like no one's teaching these guys what is actually appropriate dating/relationship ettiquette.

  4. First of all, wonderful write up, and an all round thoroughly ace blog. And secondly, thank you for reffing my godcawful Catfish debacle. The more dates I go on, the more I realise there are far too many people out there playing a game that, quite frankly, is childish and cruel. Take for example my latest date, Mr 39. We got on like a house on fire, and a couple of drinks later we'd already arranged a second date. But a week on have I heard from him to confirm? Have I fuck! There is probably a perfectly legitimate excuse for his silence, and of course I'm clinging onto the last remnants of hope that the second date may still be on the cards. But my experience of dating in London has led me thus far into my suspicions, and they all point to something negative. Are women this bad at dating? Really? CTS x

  5. Thank for the comment, CTS - absolutely loving and have passed it on to lots of friends. Hope you have better luck with Mr 40 x